I'm still hangin' around

My posts went from fast and furious to a halting BRAKE.    But I'm still here.   Just trying to get my thoughts together.  

I'm working on getting my husband and myself into a new family practice, and that has been taking up a lot of my time.   As much as I want to start talking to a fertility specialist, (I canceled my appointment), I need to know that we, as individuals, are healthy.   Or, if we're not, that we're started on the right path to get healthy.  

My emotions have been a mess lately.   I get sad and then I get mad.   I keep thinking that I was due 2 months ago.   Yesterday I was doing laundry and thinking of how different our lives would be right now.  How different our LIFE would be, I should say.    Sometimes, I hate looking around at the house and picturing where the bassinet would be, or where the swing would be.

  I mean, all of these things should BE right now!    

It sucks.   I feel like I fall into 2 categories now.   I was in the group of women who were trying, unsuccessfully, for years, to have a baby.  Dealing with my infertility and our wanting to be parents.

 Disappointment after disappointment.   Then, it finally happened - I was pregnant!    And then, nope.   Not going to work.   Ectopic pregnancy.    Nice.    Even that wasn't without complications.   

I don't know -  I'm sure if you 'have been there', you understand the emotions that I'm feeling.  Some days you just find it hard to hide behind your smile, but luckily, I have a great support system in my closest friends and family...  (except the ones that think we need to "get over it")  Fuck you.

Sorry.

Just one of those days.