Tuesday, February 9, 2016

my HSG experience & preliminary results

Googling symptoms and procedures can scare the shit out of you.   Trust me, I know.   It's kind of like reading the leaflet that the pharmacy includes with a new medication.   Don't do it.
But, naturally, I spent the days before, researching everything about the HSG, and I was so scared.   
I read horrifying stories on the internet about how painful it was and how some women passed out from it.  (yes, I believe it, because there were smelling salts taped to the wall in the procedure room when I went).   I was even watching as the 2 women before me, came out after theirs, and the one woman looked very uncomfortable and a little disheveled even.   By the time I got back to the changing area, to undress, my cheeks were all flush and I had a nice little rash on my chest, from worrying myself sick.    Even though the nurse explained it well and told me it would take only about 2 minutes, tops, I was still terrified.    I even read that it was more painful than an endometrial biopsy.. (which I had some years back and thought I was going to scream!)
But, I am not kidding, or even exaggerating, when I say that the HSG was nothing like I had seen or heard.   As with almost every procedure, each person is different and their pain tolerance is not the same of another person, but if I can comfort even ONE person who reads this before her HSG, I'm glad to do so.  

I really liked the doctor who performed the HSG on me - Dr. V was really sweet, and had great bedside manner.   He even talked through it as he went; telling me what he was doing, when he was doing it, what I might feel.     This was a plus for me, because Doc made me feel like a person, not just another patient on the table.   In this kind of procedure, you're already in an emotionally fragile state, (infertility does that).
It really was as quick as the nurse had implied.    You only undress from the waist down and put the sheet over, as if  you're preparing for a regular check up. (pap smear)   Dr. V inserted the speculum and then very gently cleansed the cervix with some antiseptic (iodine solution)..   (I felt very little, but definitely some 'sensation' with this, not a painful kind)
 Then the very thin catheter was inserted (a little more pressure) and the dye was slowly injected.
 I didn't really feel anything, but pressure, at times.   When Doc couldn't see any dye flowing into the right tube (the only one I have left), he decided to try more dye.   (this was what I had read could be one of the pain triggers)...So I was doing my breathing exercises.  But it wasn't painful.  
 Just a little more pressure, and then, at Dr' V's instruction, I was turning onto my right side, then my left side, and then flat on my back again.   Then, he had me watch the screen while he explained where the dye was and what it was showing, or not showing.    After a minute or so, he concluded his study, and sat me up, (slowly), to go over the images and discuss the results.    (you should sit up slowly, and not spring up, when the doctor says it's all done.  I read that some women experience dizziness, so be careful to ease yourself into a sitting position and not jump off the table)    I really couldn't believe how quick a procedure this is... So, even if you do feel pain, it's for such a brief time, it seems like a fair trade.    I know it's easy for me to say that, but it was kind of the mindset I had, going in.

As for the results: unfortunately, he did note that my right Fallopian tube is not open.. (he could see what remained of the left one).   He showed me an area on the X-ray, where there seemed to be some scar tissue, around the right Fallopian tube, that he feels could be hampering the tube from being functional and thus causing the dye to not flow freely through and out of it.    I had no idea why I would have scar tissue there, unless it was from the ectopic rupture and surgery from that.  (because my right small bowel had been affected by that)   But he suggested it could have been endometriosis, that was never detected, and had left that behind. I held it together, emotionally, for as long as I could, and then just lost it.    I was so disappointed & crushed.    I had such high hopes going into this.    If that tube had been clear, I would have been able to try Clomid again, and I probably could have gotten pregnant, again.
Just when things felt like they were moving at a steady pace, it all came to an abrupt halt.   Dr. V suggested I make an appt, for a consult, and see if maybe surgery would be an option to remove the scar tissue and possibly free up that tube.   If that's what is obsstructing it.   He also indicated that IVF is an option we'll be offered.   But, IVF is not something I can consider.  My insurance does not cover it; Pennsylvania is not a mandated state, YET.  (I hope to see that change)... but, besides that I don't think I could put us through that.  I know how emotionally, and physically taxing it can be.  Not from experience, but from others who have gone through it.     So, that's where I stand right now, and my consult appointment is on the 23rd of this month.   Stay tuned!  






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Friday, January 29, 2016

In the race...

So, yesterday, I went for my Cycle Day 3 labs and a baseline ultrasound (follicle check?)

I'm so glad I listened to the voicemail from the office again, because I initially missed the part where the nurse said I'd need the above done on Thursday.   Well, yesterday was Thursday!   I called there, all frantic that I might miss my window... but luckily, they called me back and got me in the same day.

The preliminary results of the ultrasound, per the Nurse Practitioner, did show about 11 follicles.   I had 6 on one ovary and 5 on the other.    I honestly am not entirely sure what that means, and I know that I should know, at my age!    But, I didn't have any of these tests done, prior to my last pregnancy (when I conceived using Clomid), so it's all new to me.  

The lab results, I'm guessing the doctor will review, as well as the ultrasound... and will let me know where things stand.

I also just received another call, from the HSG scheduler who scheduled my HSG, for next Friday.    I'm so scared about this - but I'm trying to keep myself at ease, and remember this is all for a good cause!   I'm being such a scaredy cat.  


Seems like the fertility office is really moving things along!   I'm good with that.  They're on top of it.    

Could this be my year?!     I'm hopeful.




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Monday, January 25, 2016

Handmade with love






So the other day, I was talking to one of my great friends at work about the fertility Hope Chest ideas.  (I mentioned the Hope chest in my previous post)
This friend and I have had a lot of heart to hearts at work, about almost everything.  Whether it was my life, her life, or just our usual Faith ponderings.
 We believe in a lot of the same things and we're always in agreeance that we should be thanking God for even the things that we don't yet have but that we believe are coming.  
In fact, truth be told, she actually instilled that in me.

I was telling my friend how I had considered just 'going for it' and putting little items in the Hope Chest.   She was really encouraging, as always, and suggested it was a good way to "put it out there".
As in, putting my Hopes and my Faith front and center &  believing what was going to happen and not what just might happen.

The very next morning, I came into work, and on my desk was a little bag with a post it note.
 I couldn't believe what I was seeing; I was so touched I couldn't even stop smiling.
This beautifully knit little sweater that my friend handmade for me!
I can't even explain how much I was moved by this and how grateful I was.
What a wonderful friend I have in her.  So encouraging and supportive of me.  
She really gave me the little push I needed, to do this with the Hope chest.

I brought it home and couldn't wait to show Jeff!
He and I both went into the back room, where the chest sits, and he opened the lid so I could place this beautiful gift inside.   It felt like we had really taken a big step toward something and I feel that putting this little sweater in there, really gave me the Hope that I might not have been conjuring up previously.

It was almost like I planted a seed of HOPE in that chest.  As if I were handing it off to God on the other side, saying here you go, this is my first Faith Deposit!  I believe!

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Wednesday, January 20, 2016

All the Hope it can hold

I was off of work on Monday, to get some labs drawn at the fertility center.   When I came home, of course, my mind was racing.  I started Googling all things fertility and found an article about a Fertility Hope Chest.

I've always loved hope chests.. and I just found out Monday, why they're called such.
If you don't want to click, and don't already know:  the Hope chest was born of the idea for young unwed girls/women, to store items in, in anticipation of their future marriages.   I had NO idea.   I just knew I always liked them.    We were supposed to take my mom in law's, but never got around to loading it in the truck and bringing it home.   Well, it so happened that, last summer, a friend of ours gave us one to sell at our yard sale.   It never sold, and I was secretly HOPING it wouldn't!   (see what I did there?)    So, we brought it back in the house and decided to put it in our family room.    It's been there ever since;I've been meaning to put some sheets and blankets in it, to store for the season(s).
    BUT, now..........

When I saw the Fertility Hope Chest mentioned, I knew I wanted to do this.  At first, yes, I considered that it might be a daring thing to do.   In that I might get my HOPES up about something that might never happen for us.   BUT, I also thought that it might not ever happen,  when I did get pregnant in 2014.  
When I started 'putting it out there' by verbalizing and planning things, and believing it was going to happen, I felt SO MUCH positivity!     So, I decided I have a Fertility Hope Chest!    All things "child-to-be".  I even put my pregnancy books in there (my journal from my 1st pregnancy) that I didn't get to finish, and my What To Expect book from my mother in law.    I'm excited about finding things to keep in there, and things that I will just happen to see when I'm out.  Now, I don't have to be afraid to "jinx" myself.  I don't believe in that anyway.     It's ok to have high hopes, and I think I finally realize that, again.


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Staying Afloat



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I lay here in bed this morning, looking at the Provera on my nightstand, and thinking about sooo damn much. The second I started to feel sorry for myself, I stopped & prayed.  I know I'm not the only one who often wonders why my body is always working against me. Or wonders aloud "Why have I had these reproductive issues for so long?" A period that never stops, without pills, a body that won't ovulate.... I never wanted medical intervention, which is why it took me so many years to take Clomid. I wanted it to happen by God's will.  I couldn't give in to manipulating my body into doing something it wasn't going to do naturally.   It didn't seem right to me.Why force a plan that wasn't in God's time?   Who was I to do that?


Then, when I finally caved, it left me with more doubts and disappointment, "Why did I finally conceive, only to lose my child?" "Why does God give children to those less deserving, or ungrateful for the gift of children?"    I was so bitter towards the women I see on Facebook and in real life who clearly never took care of themselves, by choosing a life of drugs and destruction.   They fell pregnant, carried a baby to term and are now enjoying those beautiful chidlren.   How is that fair?  I'm a good person, I do for others, I have a good heart.  I would be a great mom.   He, a great dad. How is this fair??  I don't always understand the trials & tribulations. I can't make sense of it. 


But, then I I stop for a second, catch my breath, and pray.  I ask for forgiveness for feeling these emotions and for being hateful and bitter.  That's not ME. 

I need these daily reminders (above) that speak to my heart AND my head. I have to trust that my plan is already in the works. For some of us, it takes a little longer. Maybe that's what makes it all the more worth it. 

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Provera it is

Well, I kind of figured that.   The nurse at my doctor's office called yesterday afternoon and said that my doctor was calling in the Provera to my pharmacy.   I kept reiterating that I was in fact having a period (albeit a bizarre one, as usual)..  going on my 3rd month.    She said he was aware and that he hopes the Provera will induce a regular cycle (maybe even straighten it out, even if only temporarily?)  That's my words, not his.
So, I take it for 5 days, twice a day and I have to call them and let them know when "I think" I've started a regular cycle.    Once we get on the right track with this bleeding (menstruating), I am having the HSG on my right tube and the transvaginal ultrasound.   I also need to request the records from the hospital, AGAIN.  Since they are telling me they sent them to the fertility office and they didn't receive them.  
Dr. S wants the surgery records and any images that might show my right tube.  (the left tube was the one that ruptured)

What a process, but so worth it, is what I tell myself.  So much frustration, sadness, worrying, anxiety.. but I manage.    I also remind myself of how worth it all this will be in the end.




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