Staying Afloat

I lay here in bed this morning, looking at the Provera on my nightstand, and thinking about sooo damn much. The second I started to feel sorry for myself, I stopped & prayed.  I know I'm not the only one who often wonders why my body is always working against me. Or wonders aloud "Why have I had these reproductive issues for so long?" A period that never stops, without pills, a body that won't ovulate.... I never wanted medical intervention, which is why it took me so many years to take Clomid. I wanted it to happen by God's will.  I couldn't give in to manipulating my body into doing something it wasn't going to do naturally.   It didn't seem right to me.Why force a plan that wasn't in God's time?   Who was I to do that?

Then, when I finally caved, it left me with more doubts and disappointment, "Why did I finally conceive, only to lose my child?" "Why does God give children to those less deserving, or ungrateful for the gift of children?"    I was so bitter towards the women I see on Facebook and in real life who clearly never took care of themselves, by choosing a life of drugs and destruction.   They fell pregnant, carried a baby to term and are now enjoying those beautiful chidlren.   How is that fair?  I'm a good person, I do for others, I have a good heart.  I would be a great mom.   He, a great dad. How is this fair??  I don't always understand the trials & tribulations. I can't make sense of it. 

But, then I I stop for a second, catch my breath, and pray.  I ask for forgiveness for feeling these emotions and for being hateful and bitter.  That's not ME. 

I need these daily reminders (above) that speak to my heart AND my head. I have to trust that my plan is already in the works. For some of us, it takes a little longer. Maybe that's what makes it all the more worth it.