This too shall pass

August.  I knew it would be a difficult month.  But it wasn't supposed to be.   When I learned my due date was this month, I wasn't thinking about how hot the summer months would be or how uncomfortable I might get.   I couldn't wait to sport a big belly and sundresses and just wobble around.  Back in December when I found out I was pregnant, it seemed that August was so far away.  Nine whole months to wait before I could hold my little baby.   I was even more excited that he/she might share a birthday with my Mom.   August 26th.    I was due around that week and immediately thought how "cool would that be!?"

But now, I have to try to trudge through August.   Trust me, every month since losing my pregnancy, has been hell.   EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.   But I'm finding that I'm becoming bitter and angrier as this month has come upon us.   Things should have been different.    We should have our baby's room all decorated and ready to welcome baby home.   It would probably be in Daddy's preferred 'Jungle Theme'.   He suggested it, early on, because he thought it would match the color that we'd already painted the room.    I wasn't so fond of the idea at first, but the thought of him having any interest or input with it, really tickled me.  So, I was picking out Safari and Jungle prints for decor and bedding.

I was somewhat there already, with not wanting to hear about pregnancy announcements or gender reveal parties, but I've started unfollowing friends on Facebook because the envy in me is just ridiculous.   Everyone deserves to have that joy in their lives - and I wish them all well, but it's just hard for me to see or hear right now.    I figured that the best way to protect myself from it, was to make sure it's not so easily visible.      It just sucks.   I can't think of any other way to describe it.
The pain, the loss, the plans.   I hate it.  Plain and simple.

After today, I'll clear the data from my Fertility Friend app, so that it stops tracking my "pregnancy".
We've already started over with trying to conceive,  but I sort of kept this as a reminder that it did happen for us.
I just have to trust that it will again.