In the race...

So, yesterday, I went for my Cycle Day 3 labs and a baseline ultrasound (follicle check?)

I'm so glad I listened to the voicemail from the office again, because I initially missed the part where the nurse said I'd need the above done on Thursday.   Well, yesterday was Thursday!   I called there, all frantic that I might miss my window... but luckily, they called me back and got me in the same day.

The preliminary results of the ultrasound, per the Nurse Practitioner, did show about 11 follicles.   I had 6 on one ovary and 5 on the other.    I honestly am not entirely sure what that means, and I know that I should know, at my age!    But, I didn't have any of these tests done, prior to my last pregnancy (when I conceived using Clomid), so it's all new to me.  

The lab results, I'm guessing the doctor will review, as well as the ultrasound... and will let me know where things stand.

I also just received another call, from the HSG scheduler who scheduled my HSG, for next Friday.    I'm so scared about this - but I'm trying to keep myself at ease, and remember this is all for a good cause!   I'm being such a scaredy cat.  

Seems like the fertility office is really moving things along!   I'm good with that.  They're on top of it.    

Could this be my year?!     I'm hopeful.

Handmade with love

So the other day, I was talking to one of my great friends at work about the fertility Hope Chest ideas.  (I mentioned the Hope chest in my previous post)
This friend and I have had a lot of heart to hearts at work, about almost everything.  Whether it was my life, her life, or just our usual Faith ponderings.
 We believe in a lot of the same things and we're always in agreeance that we should be thanking God for even the things that we don't yet have but that we believe are coming.  
In fact, truth be told, she actually instilled that in me.

I was telling my friend how I had considered just 'going for it' and putting little items in the Hope Chest.   She was really encouraging, as always, and suggested it was a good way to "put it out there".
As in, putting my Hopes and my Faith front and center &  believing what was going to happen and not what just might happen.

The very next morning, I came into work, and on my desk was a little bag with a post it note.
 I couldn't believe what I was seeing; I was so touched I couldn't even stop smiling.
This beautifully knit little sweater that my friend handmade for me!
I can't even explain how much I was moved by this and how grateful I was.
What a wonderful friend I have in her.  So encouraging and supportive of me.  
She really gave me the little push I needed, to do this with the Hope chest.

I brought it home and couldn't wait to show Jeff!
He and I both went into the back room, where the chest sits, and he opened the lid so I could place this beautiful gift inside.   It felt like we had really taken a big step toward something and I feel that putting this little sweater in there, really gave me the Hope that I might not have been conjuring up previously.

It was almost like I planted a seed of HOPE in that chest.  As if I were handing it off to God on the other side, saying here you go, this is my first Faith Deposit!  I believe!

All the Hope it can hold

I was off of work on Monday, to get some labs drawn at the fertility center.   When I came home, of course, my mind was racing.  I started Googling all things fertility and found an article about a Fertility Hope Chest.

I've always loved hope chests.. and I just found out Monday, why they're called such.
If you don't want to click, and don't already know:  the Hope chest was born of the idea for young unwed girls/women, to store items in, in anticipation of their future marriages.   I had NO idea.   I just knew I always liked them.    We were supposed to take my mom in law's, but never got around to loading it in the truck and bringing it home.   Well, it so happened that, last summer, a friend of ours gave us one to sell at our yard sale.   It never sold, and I was secretly HOPING it wouldn't!   (see what I did there?)    So, we brought it back in the house and decided to put it in our family room.    It's been there ever since;I've been meaning to put some sheets and blankets in it, to store for the season(s).     BUT, now..........

When I saw the Fertility Hope Chest mentioned, I knew I wanted to do this.  At first, yes, I considered that it might be a daring thing to do.   In that I might get my HOPES up about something that might never happen for us.   BUT, I also thought that it might not ever happen,  when I did get pregnant in 2014.  
When I started 'putting it out there' by verbalizing and planning things, and believing it was going to happen, I felt SO MUCH positivity!     So, I decided I have a Fertility Hope Chest!    All things "child-to-be".  I even put my pregnancy books in there (my journal from my 1st pregnancy) that I didn't get to finish, and my What To Expect book from my mother in law.    I'm excited about finding things to keep in there, and things that I will just happen to see when I'm out.  Now, I don't have to be afraid to "jinx" myself.  I don't believe in that anyway.     It's ok to have high hopes, and I think I finally realize that, again.

Staying Afloat

I lay here in bed this morning, looking at the Provera on my nightstand, and thinking about sooo damn much. The second I started to feel sorry for myself, I stopped & prayed.  I know I'm not the only one who often wonders why my body is always working against me. Or wonders aloud "Why have I had these reproductive issues for so long?" A period that never stops, without pills, a body that won't ovulate.... I never wanted medical intervention, which is why it took me so many years to take Clomid. I wanted it to happen by God's will.  I couldn't give in to manipulating my body into doing something it wasn't going to do naturally.   It didn't seem right to me.Why force a plan that wasn't in God's time?   Who was I to do that?

Then, when I finally caved, it left me with more doubts and disappointment, "Why did I finally conceive, only to lose my child?" "Why does God give children to those less deserving, or ungrateful for the gift of children?"    I was so bitter towards the women I see on Facebook and in real life who clearly never took care of themselves, by choosing a life of drugs and destruction.   They fell pregnant, carried a baby to term and are now enjoying those beautiful chidlren.   How is that fair?  I'm a good person, I do for others, I have a good heart.  I would be a great mom.   He, a great dad. How is this fair??  I don't always understand the trials & tribulations. I can't make sense of it. 

But, then I I stop for a second, catch my breath, and pray.  I ask for forgiveness for feeling these emotions and for being hateful and bitter.  That's not ME. 

I need these daily reminders (above) that speak to my heart AND my head. I have to trust that my plan is already in the works. For some of us, it takes a little longer. Maybe that's what makes it all the more worth it. 

Provera it is

Well, I kind of figured that.   The nurse at my doctor's office called yesterday afternoon and said that my doctor was calling in the Provera to my pharmacy.   I kept reiterating that I was in fact having a period (albeit a bizarre one, as usual)..  going on my 3rd month.    She said he was aware and that he hopes the Provera will induce a regular cycle (maybe even straighten it out, even if only temporarily?)  That's my words, not his.
So, I take it for 5 days, twice a day and I have to call them and let them know when "I think" I've started a regular cycle.    Once we get on the right track with this bleeding (menstruating), I am having the HSG on my right tube and the transvaginal ultrasound.   I also need to request the records from the hospital, AGAIN.  Since they are telling me they sent them to the fertility office and they didn't receive them.  
Dr. S wants the surgery records and any images that might show my right tube.  (the left tube was the one that ruptured)

What a process, but so worth it, is what I tell myself.  So much frustration, sadness, worrying, anxiety.. but I manage.    I also remind myself of how worth it all this will be in the end.

moving up in line

Well, I was starting to get discouraged, not having heard back from the specialists' office, but then they called me today!    Dr. wants me to get some labs drawn at their office Monday morning.
He is aware that I'm still menstruating, but he wants to do HCG Beta and Progesterone draws, anyway.   I don't understand that, because I know 110% certain that I am not pregnant, but I respect that it's protocol, so I won't whine. 

He thinks, after he's seen those lab results, that he'll start me on a med to induce a period.  (again, makes no sense, since I, evidently, don't need help there)... But his theory is that it might induce a NORMAL period and start me in the right direction.   That will enable me to get on the right track and have the HSG and trans-vaginal ultrasound.  
  I'm guessing the meds will be  Provera or something, because I was on that some years ago to induce a period.   Whooo, that was not a fun time, when I took that.    Talk about cramping and bleeding?  I still remember I was out for dinner with my mom and sisters, and we had to leave because I was in such pain.    But, I have to remember that this is all a labor of love.
So, on with it I go! 

Time Stands Still

No, it really doesn't.   But it feels like it sometimes.    Back in November, I really thought we were getting started on the road we long anticipated, when it came to having a child.  FINALLY.

So, on the 23rd, we visited with a fertility specialist, at a highly recommended facility, in our area.   Our first visit was pretty in depth, we covered my history of reproductive issues, my inability to conceive, the Clomid success we had, my ectopic pregnancy, and the rupture that followed.    
The doctor was a bit older, (in fact, he'd been a coworker's recommendation, as he was HER doctor when she had her son, 23 years ago!   BUT, he has a lot of knowledge and feathers in his cap, when it comes to reproductive endocrinology and fertility. So I was pretty pleased going there, knowing the backgrounds and reputations of the doctors in the practice.
 Dr S had a few labs drawn while I was there, and he sent an order for additional draws to Labcorp.  In the office, he drew blood for my LH, FSH, and Estradiol.  
At LabCorp, I got more bloodwork, with my lipids, glucose, a1c, thyroid cascade panel, and my AMH level.    Fortunately, I'm able to view my results online, with Labcorp, but not with the labs that were done in the office that night.     I really don't know what any of it means, other than the 'flags' I can see for highs and lows, and the normal ranges that are provided, as a guideline.   I wish I knew what my Estradiol, FSH and LH were... but I guess that will be discussed at our next visit.    
He wants to have an ultrasound done (transvaginal)... and an HSG, on my right tube.   BUT, since I was bleeding at that visit (and still am), we're kind of just waiting on my body to cooperate, so we can move ahead with that testing.   I called last week to see what he might suggest, since I'm still bleeding (menstruating?) ...  But he was on vacation so I'll expect a call this coming week.    Of all the labs that I had done, I really only have been focusing on one of them, and that was the AMH (anti-mullerian hormone).   My result was .915  and if I am reading the charts correctly, online, that result is a low-normal?    For a 39 year old?     If you have any input to this, I'd appreciate the feedback.    I do know that it measures my egg reserve ... so that's a little discouraging but I'm trying not to jump to conclusions until I hear what Dr. S has to say.    I know he was honest with me, and wanted to see if I was headed into menopause.
I do feel like he covered a lot of ground with the labs he ordered, so that does make me feel comfortable, in that he is interested in really seeing the story that my body is telling.   At the time we met, he suggested that IVF, he felt, was an "express" option for me, but he didn't feel that it was necessary yet.   Having already had a pregnancy, (albeit ectopic), he felt that we could start with other avenues first, and maybe my case wasn't so complicated.   I asked him if he thought I could try the Clomid route again, if all looked fine, (as far as my remaining tube, etc)... and he didn't reject the idea.  Of course, my husband and I, just like the doctor, want to know where I stand, physically, first.   I know this could be a long, painful road, but I'm hoping it's not too bad.   At least, now that I'm seeing a specialist, I feel like we've already taken a big step in the right direction.