Finally hearing about it

It seems that I hardly ever hear about PCOS in the news or even being talked about.  I was so glad to see this GMA piece.  It does give you HOPE!   It's nice to know how PCO works and what exactly kind of battle is taking place in our bodies.    Once I was diagnosed, I wasn't really given any literature or a wealth of information.   So, I'm glad that it's being recognized and studied more these days.  Maybe it always was and I was just behind the scenes, but at least I can see it now.  That means that thousands, if not millions, of other women, who suffer from PCOS, also are seeing it.


http://abcnews.go.com/

Everything is suspicous

Funny how, when you are actively trying to get pregnant, you start to think that every little twinge and slightest pain, is a sign.    But, when I did get pregnant.last year,  I had no such thing.
Nothing. Nada.
In fact, I didn't even put any thought into the test I took that day.   Totally expected a big fat NEGATIVE.  But it was positive!    Then, I started to think back:  Was that ridiculous reflux I had, a sign?   Were those weird pinching sensations, a sign?   "Oh my gosh. Who knew!"
Now, every time I feel something different, I'm Googling it.   It's crazy.  But I just want something to be a sure symptom.   I still have 7 days before I can test.  Or at least, to actually be at a point where the HCG would be present.    Everyone said if I stopped concentrating so hard, it would happen when I least expected it.  And that' just what happened.   So, I've been trying not to put 110% of my life into tracking, scheduling, testing.   But, it's difficult.  
Keep thinking POSITIVE.    That's my motto.  No room for negativity here.

Little Rant

It's not really a rant, to be honest.   More like an "observation".    

Last year, about a month or so, after starting Clomid, I got into POSITIVE mode.

 I was so optimistic about it, I started pinning things on Pinterest, (on a secret board, of course) and also created a Babies 'R Us wish list.   I went back and added things as I thought of them.  It was kind of fun and exciting.   Unfortunately, as we know, my pregnancy was tubal and then all hell broke loose.  

BUT..... now that we're back to TTC, I'm feeling that optimism again! 

Yesterday, I went to log in and it wouldn't let me.  I figured I'd send a reset to my email, because it was probably the password that I was entering wrong and locking myself out.   I tried, a few times, with no luck.    So I clicked on the little chat icon and talked to someone on the site.   Well, turns out that I wasn't locked out, I was definitely entering something wrong.   BUT, before I came to that conclusion, I was informed by the chat agent, that the wish lists are only online for a year.   Well, Babies R Us, that's just not cool.   Sometimes, it takes longer.  As of right now, I'm still within my year, since creating it, but that sucks that it might not be there in a month.  I won't remember all of the things I added to my list, if I have to start over.    In a perfect world, women would get pregnant, carry for their 9 months and then out comes a beautiful little being.  Such is not always the case. 

This bummed me out.

Fertile Myrtle

At least I hope so.   I've been using the Ovia fertility tracker and it seems to be a cool app to have.
I used Fertility Friend before, which I still like, but have found that the Ovia one is a little more in depth with tracking and reporting.
According to the data, that I've been religiously inputting, it's telling me that this is my fertile week.
So we're on schedule with the Baby Dancing.   Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.
Last night, we should have and we didn't, but hopefully we're still in the running to make a baby!
I would love for this to be "our month".    I'm also still taking Pregnitude every day.  Praying that it helps me to ovulate on my own.
Today's CM was much more on the egg white side, so we better get down to business tonight.
My app tells me "Have sex today. You are fertile".   That's straightforward enough for me!  HAHAH

Which apps do you use?    Are you using 2 at once?  I was for a time but then got a new smartphone and was too lazy to download the other one.

So, here's to Ovia and me, making a baby!   (that sounds a lot like a jingle)  Maybe they'll pay me for that?

The would-be Dads

When we first lost our pregnancy, our families and friends were very supportive.   It wasn't unusual for someone to reach out to me and ask how I was doing.   This was definitely more so, after my EP rupture and surgery.  It wasn't about losing a baby, after that, to most people.  It was more about how dangerous that experience was for me and how things could have gone.   *knock on wood*

But, I never really felt like Jeff was included in all of that support.    He suffered a great loss too.

I may have had the physical scars, but we BOTH had the emotional ones.  I didn't feel like others felt that.     It was hard for BOTH of us.      I don't think he even thought about it until I mentioned it one night; the fact that so few people acknowledged his hurt.  One of my Instagram gals, who'd gone through a loss as well, posted a beautiful poem about that exact topic.     

Jeff and I went through and continue to go through this TOGETHER.   We cry together and talk about it.   It's not "over" for us.   We didn't just "let it go", as some people have suggested.

Sometimes, he is is the one who brings it up and he has no problem showing his emotions.  There are times that he cries, at the simplest mention of it.   

We're both eager to conceive again and be the parents that we've dreamed of being.   We're not "ok", yet.    It hasn't even been a year, but who's to say that it will be easier then?
I just wanted to share this poem today, in case you are here and you have a husband/boyfriend/partner who, with you, has also experienced the loss.

Finally! ...oh, wait.... never mind.

Trying to have a baby for so many years, unsuccessfully, was painful enough.   I hated the feeling of never knowing what it was like.   Never getting pregnant, never having a child.   It was and still is, such a void.   Every word you can find to describe the disappointment and the sadness, is there.   Over ten years of it.

  Why so long?  Mostly because I was stubborn and convicted in my own beliefs and theories.    BUT, the feelings are much different and hit so much harder, now that I actually DID conceive and my pregnancy wasn't viable.    I waited all that time and it happened!   But, in a matter of days, I went from the happiest moment in my life, to the saddest.   I can honestly say that trying to conceive with no success, wasn't as hard as it has been to finally have that joy and lose it all in an instant.   It's like every emotion I felt, when I couldn't get pregnant, is now amplified, and there are even more emotions mixed in.  Loss, grief, failure.

I have to believe it will happen again.    I got to that point, last time, right before I got my BFP.

I believed it could happen and I put it out there, to will it to happen.  And it did!   I was so sure.

So why can't I find that optimism again?    It takes time; this I know.   It's all part of the plan(s) that God has laid out for me, so I have to be patient and trust in Him. 

Somedays, it's just really difficult.  

Friday Funnies

Because, if we don't laugh, we'll cry.    And sometimes you just gotta smile!

Happy Friday to you.     I'm on Cycle Day 3 now and actually excited to see a real period happening.
As soon as it stops, I'll be counting down the days to start testing for LH and then baby dancing like it's my job.

Strange emotions

How can it be that I'm the same person who was  always wishing for NO period, and now I'm glad that I seem to have finally gotten one?    This TTC thing is really full of MIXED emotions, huh?

I'm hoping that it's the Pregnitude working and my cycles are getting on track.  I didn't get a period in July, so hopefully this one is a regular cycle and I can start charting and using the OPKs. 

I haven't felt any other side effects since starting the Pregnitude, just that I haven't been as hungry.

I don't think there's been any weight loss yet, although I hear that some women have lost a few pounds.  That will surely be a perk.

I'm glad I have somewhere to start now.  I'm hopeful.

Cheers to Cycle Day 1!        Here's hoping! 

Our Own Little World

Even though we tried to have a baby, for years, I wasn't always vocal about it.   It was only in 2014, when I started Clomid, that I really put my story out there. Even though I wasn't ready to share it among the people I knew, I joined a couple of TTC communities on various websites.  There were so many stories out there, I was truly amazed at some of them.    I learned SO much from those communities and still continue to.    I had no idea what a "rainbow baby" was and then when I found out, I was so sad for those women who were waiting for theirs.  Little did I know, I'd be one of them someday.

For a time, I was just another woman who was struggling with infertility.  I joined the masses of others who were in the same situation.    Then, after my ectopic and resulting pregnancy loss, I joined another rank.  Sadly.     I'm so glad that these boards, forums, communities and websites are in existence.  I don't know many women, in my life, that are able to relate to some of the things I've been going through and/or am still going through.   The women I've "met" in some of these online communities, may seem like perfect strangers to an outsider, but to me they're not.   I'm fortunate in that I can find the support and encouragement I need, whenever I need it.  It helps to hear advice and similar stories, and know that I'm not alone.    It sucks that anyone has to share in this experience or that any woman has gone through these stages, but it sure helps to have someone to talk to or help us through it.
Even, in the cases where women aren't having fertility issues and just want to be a part of a TTC community, it's nice to be able to.    Some women just aren't ready to announce their pregnancies and still want to share the early weeks/months with someone who can relate or appreciate the emotions, so it's then that they can turn to an online community and do that.  
I'm grateful for the support and the fellowship I've been blessed with.  Truly.
I just hope and pray for a happy ending for all of us.

This too shall pass

August.  I knew it would be a difficult month.  But it wasn't supposed to be.   When I learned my due date was this month, I wasn't thinking about how hot the summer months would be or how uncomfortable I might get.   I couldn't wait to sport a big belly and sundresses and just wobble around.  Back in December when I found out I was pregnant, it seemed that August was so far away.  Nine whole months to wait before I could hold my little baby.   I was even more excited that he/she might share a birthday with my Mom.   August 26th.    I was due around that week and immediately thought how "cool would that be!?"

But now, I have to try to trudge through August.   Trust me, every month since losing my pregnancy, has been hell.   EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.   But I'm finding that I'm becoming bitter and angrier as this month has come upon us.   Things should have been different.    We should have our baby's room all decorated and ready to welcome baby home.   It would probably be in Daddy's preferred 'Jungle Theme'.   He suggested it, early on, because he thought it would match the color that we'd already painted the room.    I wasn't so fond of the idea at first, but the thought of him having any interest or input with it, really tickled me.  So, I was picking out Safari and Jungle prints for decor and bedding.

I was somewhat there already, with not wanting to hear about pregnancy announcements or gender reveal parties, but I've started unfollowing friends on Facebook because the envy in me is just ridiculous.   Everyone deserves to have that joy in their lives - and I wish them all well, but it's just hard for me to see or hear right now.    I figured that the best way to protect myself from it, was to make sure it's not so easily visible.      It just sucks.   I can't think of any other way to describe it.
The pain, the loss, the plans.   I hate it.  Plain and simple.

After today, I'll clear the data from my Fertility Friend app, so that it stops tracking my "pregnancy".
We've already started over with trying to conceive,  but I sort of kept this as a reminder that it did happen for us.
I just have to trust that it will again.