the day has come...

Tonight is my first appointment with the specialist!   While, I am going to see this doctor, in hopes of having a baby, I'm also glad that the office is not just a fertility center.   They specialize in endocrine and reproductive disorders/conditions, as well as fertility.    Because, after all, women have those issues and need to treat them, but aren't always desiring to have children.   I guess I get the best of both worlds in that way.

Of course, I'm still dealing with the Period From Hell.    I'm on week #3 right now.   I know most of you will gasp in reading that, but it's actually not that shocking to me.  I've dealt with that for so many years.  If I wasn't taking a birth control pill, to regulate my cycles, I would get a period for months at a time, or I wouldn't get one for months at a time.   And yes, I've always wanted children, so taking the BCP was hard for me to consider.    But without it, it left me open for so many other issues.

I'm very hopeful about the doctor I'm meeting with - and I'm nervous too.    I know he'll be thorough and will do all in his power, to get down to the root of my problem.  Hormonal imbalance, thyroid?    So many things it could be.  In my 20's I was told "PCOS with anovulation"... so I walked away with that diagnosis.   I always had the option of trying medical intervention, in the form of ovulation drugs or metformin, but I was stubborn.    I wanted to be a "miracle" case, who just ended up pregnant by the Grace of God, and without taking any drugs to manipulate my body.

My ultimate hope is that I will have the HSG done on my remaining tube and it will be clear, and then I can try Clomid again.  (because, after all, it did work for me)
We'll see what the doc says; he is the expert after all.  But I can still voice my thoughts.  He's gotten really great reviews and came recommended by a coworker, so I'm going in with a positive attitude and an open mind!

baby steps

That was the name of this blog, when I first started my Clomid journey, last year.  Knowing, in my heart, that it was going to work!   And it did.   But then, other things happened and the blog went silent.  I'd been trying to get pregnant for years before that, but I never put it out there publicly and I'd also never tried any medical intervention.   Which is why I was finally starting to chronicle it in a blog.   It's been a rough road, emotionally and mentally, since my little ordeal.  But, now, I'm revving back up and getting ready to go full speed ahead.   Again.  

I made our first appointment with a fertility specialist, and it's already next Monday!  I'm so many "things", with this new endeavor.    I'm nervous, excited, scared, apprehensive, optimistic.   How can I be such an even split of negative and positive emotions?    I'm guessing it's totally normal.   Infertility kind of takes you on that path of so many different feelings, emotions, theories. 

I'll be posting as soon as I get in from my appointment next week, which also falls on Jeff's birthday! What a fun way to celebrate your birthday, right?   Talking about the possibility of becoming a daddy!   Again.  OR finally!     We both want this so much, and maybe more than we ever thought or knew we did.       

Filling out my pre-appointment forms online, was really exciting and sobering at the same time.  I got to the box where it asked if I'd ever been pregnant before.   It was sad to mark YES and then continue to check the ECTOPIC box, but at the same time, I feel like it is a reminder that I actually got pregnant!   See, there can be a silver lining to all that's dark and cloudy sometimes.

So, wish us luck, and send lots of positive vibes!

Pregnancy & Infant Loss

Back in April, I read an article where Derrick and Jill Dillard were interviewed. If you don't know who Jill is, she's one of the Duggar girls, of the once popular 19 and Counting, reality show.

The article spoke about pregnancy and touched on Jill and Derrick's decision to announce theirs very early on.    Jill said something, in that interview, that struck me really deep and further confirmed my own thoughts on the subject.  She said:

"Believing that life begins at conception and that every life is precious no matter how young, - we would — even if there were to be a miscarriage — we would still want that child to be recognized," she told Us at the time. "So it was something that we thought about and went forward with."  -- Jill Dillard

This spoke volumes to me, having lost my first and long awaited pregnancy, in January.  I found out I was pregnant on December 13th and we immediately decided that we'd tell our families on Christmas Day.  (just 12 days later).     I knew, with my age, and having taken fertility meds, that there were risks associated with my pregnancy.   BUT, we also felt that, no matter what, we wanted our families to know.  We had close family members and some friends who thought that we announced it too soon.   There's that theory of "being out of the woods" before you tell everyone, because WHAT IF the pregnancy fails and you miscarry?    Oh, so if we were to handle it that way, and I miscarried, with none of our family knowing I was pregnant, then we'd never tell them I was pregnant in the first place?  Wrong. Pregnancy is not like interviewing for a job, when you're afraid to jinx yourself by telling people about it, before you get it.  People out there actually think "well, you don't want to get your families' hopes up and then the pregnancy fails".  Oh, right, I don't want them to have to go through that.   Well, how is it any different for me, for us?   I'd rather my family be there for me every step of the way, no matter the outcome.   My sister was actually at my OB appointment that day with me, thinking all was well, and it was just a follow up for some minor spotting a few days earlier.    In the room with me, waiting to see the ultrasound.  Knowing all we'd see was my little bean, but nonetheless happy and excited.  Only to find out later, after 4 office ultrasounds and 2 at South Jersey Radiology,  that it was an ectopic pregnancy.   Yes, it was awful and heartbreaking and so disappointing, but I wasn't sorry that we told our families.   

I don't regret anything.    I don't even regret getting started on my Pregnancy Journal that my 9 year old niece bought for me, with her own money, at Barnes & Noble.   I don't regret saving all the pictures of the positive tests.    I just pray that someday, I get to do it all over again, and carry a baby to term.  I was always just a statistic with fertility struggles and now I'm a statistic with pregnancy loss too.   I never knew what anyone meant, online, when they referred to "rainbow babies"..... and now I do.    I never knew what ectopic pregnancy was... and now I do.    I never knew what it was like to be pregnant... now I do.      I never knew what it was like to lose a baby/pregnancy........now I do.    I will never forget hearing a heartbeat, when I was in the ER, having an emergency ultrasound, the day I was admitted for my ectopic rupture.    The tech jumped forward in his seat to silence it, but I'd already heard it.  It was too late.    And had I not heard it, my baby would have been no less a life, in my eyes.      The day he/she was conceived, was the day WE gave him/her LIFE.   So, imagine 12 weeks later.... YES, you were very much real to me, to US.  Maybe not in the right place, to be carried and delivered,  BUT, in our hearts from beautiful beginning to sorrowful end.   

I'm still hangin' around

My posts went from fast and furious to a halting BRAKE.    But I'm still here.   Just trying to get my thoughts together.  

I'm working on getting my husband and myself into a new family practice, and that has been taking up a lot of my time.   As much as I want to start talking to a fertility specialist, (I canceled my appointment), I need to know that we, as individuals, are healthy.   Or, if we're not, that we're started on the right path to get healthy.  

My emotions have been a mess lately.   I get sad and then I get mad.   I keep thinking that I was due 2 months ago.   Yesterday I was doing laundry and thinking of how different our lives would be right now.  How different our LIFE would be, I should say.    Sometimes, I hate looking around at the house and picturing where the bassinet would be, or where the swing would be.

  I mean, all of these things should BE right now!    

It sucks.   I feel like I fall into 2 categories now.   I was in the group of women who were trying, unsuccessfully, for years, to have a baby.  Dealing with my infertility and our wanting to be parents.

 Disappointment after disappointment.   Then, it finally happened - I was pregnant!    And then, nope.   Not going to work.   Ectopic pregnancy.    Nice.    Even that wasn't without complications.   

I don't know -  I'm sure if you 'have been there', you understand the emotions that I'm feeling.  Some days you just find it hard to hide behind your smile, but luckily, I have a great support system in my closest friends and family...  (except the ones that think we need to "get over it")  Fuck you.

Sorry.

Just one of those days.   

It's time.....

The winner should be posted below, in this post, and on the original post as well.  (if you scroll to it)

Thank you all, for entering, and congrats to the winner!
(* I will contact through email, via the RaffleCopter website * )

Best of Luck to you all, as you continue on your TTC journey.   

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Giveaway Reminder

Just a reminder: The drawing ends at midnight tonight.  RaffleCopter should close the entry period by that time.  I'm am old fart already,  so I'll in bed well before then. 

Winner will be posted by 9 am Monday morning.  (Eastern time)  

Good Luck! 

Did you enter?

 Giveaway ends tomorrow at midnight, ladies.   Good luck to you all!  I know you're all anxious to see who will win. I am too!

 I see there are a few more entries since yesterday,  but your odds are still good.   

Please remember,  it is only one entry per person.  Please do not try to better your odds,  by using more than one email address, it would be unfair to anyone who did it the correct way.

Have A Great Saturday! 

Weekend mode

Well, the weekend is here and the giveaway is only 2 days away!    The RaffleCopter is set up to pick a winner, on Sunday evening.   I doesn't let me set particular hours, unless it's a paid account, so I went with the latest time, so that everyone can have a chance.  

    

Just a reminder, it was set up for only ONE entry per person.  I know there are some bloggers who do a "once daily" option, but this one is set up for a "one time entry" per person.  It should only let you enter once.   I don't know if anyone has more than one email address, but if you do, I hope everyone is fair enough to only enter once, using just one email address. Please do not cheat & use more than one email address.  

Good luck and have a great weekend!

Come back Sunday or Monday morning to see who won! 

Tired...

When you are trying to get pregnant, and it practically starts to consume you, it really gets mentally exhausting.    I can't tell you how consumed by it,I feel, some days.    It really is like a part time job - the record keeping, the signs and symptoms you're trying to note and track, the testing with the OPKs and the HPTs.   Temping, counting....   I know, as I'm sure you'll agree, that some day it will all be worth it.   But some days I think I'm trying so hard, that it won't.

A lot of  the ladies, that I have met have mentioned how people say "don't think about it and it's then that it'll happen".    I know that sounds silly and I always thought so.   Until, last year, when I did get a BFP. A few weeks before that I had all but given up and stopped testing, almost every day.    I took that test, for no particular reason.    And only a few weeks before that, I had stopped making it a chore to test, and BD, and write everything down.

So, maybe it's true...  When we stop focusing so hard on it, that may just be when it surprises us.

Enter the Giveaway!

* If you haven't already, please read the post below this one and watch the quick intro video, for some important information, BEFORE you enter the giveaway*    

Please only enter if you have PCOS and are struggling to get pregnant.

 I really want to see these supplements go to someone who can and will use them.    There are guidelines to follow, when it comes to medications/supplements you are already taking, and I have outlined it very briefly in the video below.    Please DO NOT enter until you have taken a peek at it.   

**If you are already taking medication(s) for any pre-existing condition and/or are taking an anti-depressant, anti-anxiety medication, you MUST consult with your physician BEFORE taking any of these supplements**  

 These are the 3 supplements that I am giving away, and a shorty description on each of them, if you are not familiar with the FairHaven Health products.   Each of the product names in bold red, are live links, so you can click it to visit the product info directly on the Fairhaven Health website.

FertilAid - doctor-approved, ObGyn-recommended fertility supplements designed to enhance fertility and improve reproductive health. Designed by leading fertility expert, Dr. Amos Grunebaum, FertilAid is the top-selling natural fertility supplement in the United States.    With all-natural, non-prescription formulas that unite scientifically-validated herbal ingredients and essential vitamins, FertilAid is designed to promote reproductive wellness, support fertility and optimize your chances to conceive.  

Ovaboost - OvaBoost is an all-natural dietary supplement that contains acombination of vitamins and antioxidants including myo-inositol, folate, melatonin, coenzyme Q10, vitamin E, grapeseed extract and alpha-lipoic acid, which have been scientifically demonstrated to help improve egg health and optimize ovarian function. Ladies, the good news is that you can increase your egg quality!

Myo-inositol may be especially helpful for women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).  While the cause of PCOS is not fully understood, hormonal imbalances seem to play a big role in the onset of symptoms.  By helping your body use insulin effectively, myo-inositol helps to promote hormone balance and ovarian function.

If you have any questions, please ask me.  If they are product related, I will get the answers for you or you can visit the Fairhaven Health website.  I have confirmed that all 3 of these supplements can be used together.    Enter the giveaway in the box below!   I will pick a winner on Sunday evening.    Feel free to share! 

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Give Away Time

First, I want to disclose that I was given these supplements, completely free of charge, from Fairhaven Health,  in exchange for my testing and honest reviews.  They did not contact me; I contacted them, as a TTC blogger interested in their products.   

  I was so grateful to get a 2 months' supply of each of these!   I know it may take a few months' worth, before I see any results --- but at least this will give me (and you!) a trial run to see how we adapt to it.  And I figured, since I was being given an opportunity to try them, at no expense of my own, I would pay it forward and use the "2nd month" as a giveaway prize.   I know so many of you are on the same path that I am.  This "TTC" journey is not for the quitters, is it?    It's tough and we spend countless hours researching products, stories, tips, suggestions... the list goes on and on.     I have been trying for over 10 years to get pregnant.   I was not willing to take any medications.   When I finally did cave and tried Clomid, I did fall pregnant!  Wahoo!   But, it was an ectopic pregnancy, so after that, I swore off any more medications.   Again.   

 * I am not suggesting that Clomid caused my ectopic pregnancy*   

Please do not misconstrue that remark, because it really does work and it did for me, and so many others that I know.
   I'm just simply choosing to find a natural path.     I've been back and forth on the FairHaven Health website for WEEKS, and really doing my research on the products and supplements they offer.     I honestly felt like I found a PCOS gal's treasure trove when I found this website!     All 3 of the supplements you'll win, have a lot of medical expertise behind them.  In fact, I was so intrigued when I read about the FertilAid supplement.  I kept wondering, "well, who is the Dr. Grunebaum?  Is he even a real doctor?"   And sure enough, he totally is!  Dr. Grunebaum is currently a practicing obstetrician/gynecologist, as well as the director of clinical maternal-fetal medicine and the labor/delivery chief at the number one University Medical Center in New York City. He is also an assistant clinical University professor and served as the founding Medical Director of the WebMD Fertility Center.  How awesome is that?   

So, check out my VLog below, for a little more information and some IMPORTANT things to note, before you enter the giveaway, or decide to try out the supplements. 
  *these are  necessary things you should know beforehand* 

My first ever giveaway~

I am a big fan of blogs ----- reading them and posting on my own,
(I have this one and a regular one) not really TTC related.  

And when a blogger hosts a giveaway, I'm all over it!   Only if it pertains to my interests or likes.   I don't try to win just ANYTHING; I'm not greedy.   

So, I'll be hosting a giveaway here, on my TTC blog, to a lucky blog follower.   The prize will be a 3 pack of FairHaven Health fertility supplements!   OvaBoost, Myo-Inositol and FertileAid.
The 3 of them ARE safe to use in conjunction with each other.  

  I have verified this with FairHaven Health.  I would not take them myself, unless I did my homework; trust me.   

The link and a more informative post will be up later today!     I'm hoping to do it as a Vlog... which I never have.  So bare with me.    

Keep an eye out!   

when it hits

I would have been due last month.  Somewhere in the 3rd week of August. When I first learned that, it seemed SO far away.   Nine months was going to seem like forever.   And then, without realizing it, August was here! 

This past weekend was kind of an emotional one.   I don't really know what brought it on, but I had a lot of tears and thoughts.     I was sitting in the living room, on Saturday morning, having my coffee, and I just looked around the room.     I looked to far wall, by the closet, and kept thinking "Wow, it's already September.  We would have had a pack 'n play or a bassinet sitting right there, right now, with an infant in it.    I never mentioned it to my husband.   Then, while we were at breakfast, he brought up that he'd mentioned to his mother,  "Just think.  I'd be a father right now".    

I don't know if it's good that we do this; still talk about it now and again.  Or, if it's considered "dwelling".     It's not constant, but when the thoughts pop up, we talk about it.   I can't just forget that I was pregnant and lost our child.   I can't just forget that moment that I took the test and saw the 2 lines.   I can't just forget when we told everyone on Christmas morning, and I know I'll never, ever forget their reactions. 

I'm even staying positive that we'll get pregnant again - but I don't think I'll forget the first.  Actually, I know I won't. 

So many emotions with pregnancy loss.   It really does suck.   

maybe I'm on the right track

Well, I finished the Pregnitude.   Luckily, I had no weird side effects etc.. *knock on wood*..  and I want to believe that it helped to regulate my cycles, thus far.   I hope so!     I'll be starting some new products very soon and I can't wait to share my experience with you!    

All the while I've been researching natural supplements to help me with ovulation and fertility, I wasn't careful to note when a product said that it "supports" hormonal balance.   I need more of something that "promotes".

That's a big difference, in the grand scheme of things.  So I'm pretty eager to start the new line of supplements that I'll be receiving soon.  And you can count on me giving you my feedback and recommendations.   Here's hoping that something finally works.    Stay tuned! 

small bump

I was searching the hashtag 'ectopic pregnancy' today, on Instagram and I found a reference to this Ed Sheeran video.    Not that I'm glad that pregnancy loss is even something that happens, it's still a little comforting when you see that it is recognized, far and wide.    And sometimes by those you'd least expect.
Your favorite artists and musicians can usually capture it so well with lyrics and/or pictures.
Ed Sheeran did it with this video.   Made me wonder if he's 'been there', or knows someone else who has.
It describes all too well, the feeling we Moms-to-be had when we knew that there was a life inside of us.   We couldn't wait to hold our babies.   And then, just as quickly, that joy turned to sorrow.

Take a listen.....

Definitely watch the video to get the full experience, and if you need the lyrics, get them here...

babies, babies, everywhere!

Memorial Day weekend, we went to a friend's BBQ and there was a newborn there.   My husband was in awe of this baby!   I couldn't believe how enamored he was.   It was still only about 4 months out for us, since my ectopic ordeal.   He expressed that he couldn't wait to have a little baby like that.  

Then, yesterday, we went to the same friend's house, for a Labor Day BBQ, and there was another infant!  

And again, Jeff was smitten.   I heard the mom saying she was born in July.  So TINY.   I wanted to hold her, but I didn't know the family, so I just decided to oooh and ahhh from a distance.  

It's times like those that we realize how much we really want a child.  When we see the joy on the parents' faces and the fuss over this tiny little being.    Jeff turned to me at one point and said "I really hope God blesses us with a child, and if not, that's ok too". 

No dice

Yep, my period came this month.   I knew it was on the way, even before it was here. You know how you just get the feeling?  You just start to feel some way.   And here it is.    It's funny because I'm bummed,  but at the same time, I'm glad that it seems to be on track, somewhat.    I really hope that the Pregnitude has helped to get things under some control.   Finally.    Doesn't mean that I'm ovulating, just because I'm menstruating, but it's a start. 

I did a lot of research the past few days, and I know that I need to see a fertility specialist, and get my remaining tube checked.   I actually got a call back today and made an appointment.  

I still need to get my regular exams (mammo and pap), so I'll need a general gynecologist too.  I wish I could find an "all-in-one"... but I can't imagine I will.

I'm staying hopeful that this is going to happen for us, before the year is out.

I just need to see the right doctor and follow their plans for me.  As well as His plans for me.

This month

Having irregular periods,  it's hard to get excited when it's late.  Usually it's right around the bend.  Last year,  when I got my BFP, my period wasn't even late yet.  It wasn't due for a few more days, in fact.  Which is why I was shocked when I got that positive test.  So,  again,  this month and last,  I'm trying to step back and not drive myself crazy with over thinking AND over testing.   Not easy, I tell ya, not .......easy.

Finally hearing about it

It seems that I hardly ever hear about PCOS in the news or even being talked about.  I was so glad to see this GMA piece.  It does give you HOPE!   It's nice to know how PCO works and what exactly kind of battle is taking place in our bodies.    Once I was diagnosed, I wasn't really given any literature or a wealth of information.   So, I'm glad that it's being recognized and studied more these days.  Maybe it always was and I was just behind the scenes, but at least I can see it now.  That means that thousands, if not millions, of other women, who suffer from PCOS, also are seeing it.


http://abcnews.go.com/

Everything is suspicous

Funny how, when you are actively trying to get pregnant, you start to think that every little twinge and slightest pain, is a sign.    But, when I did get pregnant.last year,  I had no such thing.
Nothing. Nada.
In fact, I didn't even put any thought into the test I took that day.   Totally expected a big fat NEGATIVE.  But it was positive!    Then, I started to think back:  Was that ridiculous reflux I had, a sign?   Were those weird pinching sensations, a sign?   "Oh my gosh. Who knew!"
Now, every time I feel something different, I'm Googling it.   It's crazy.  But I just want something to be a sure symptom.   I still have 7 days before I can test.  Or at least, to actually be at a point where the HCG would be present.    Everyone said if I stopped concentrating so hard, it would happen when I least expected it.  And that' just what happened.   So, I've been trying not to put 110% of my life into tracking, scheduling, testing.   But, it's difficult.  
Keep thinking POSITIVE.    That's my motto.  No room for negativity here.

Little Rant

It's not really a rant, to be honest.   More like an "observation".    

Last year, about a month or so, after starting Clomid, I got into POSITIVE mode.

 I was so optimistic about it, I started pinning things on Pinterest, (on a secret board, of course) and also created a Babies 'R Us wish list.   I went back and added things as I thought of them.  It was kind of fun and exciting.   Unfortunately, as we know, my pregnancy was tubal and then all hell broke loose.  

BUT..... now that we're back to TTC, I'm feeling that optimism again! 

Yesterday, I went to log in and it wouldn't let me.  I figured I'd send a reset to my email, because it was probably the password that I was entering wrong and locking myself out.   I tried, a few times, with no luck.    So I clicked on the little chat icon and talked to someone on the site.   Well, turns out that I wasn't locked out, I was definitely entering something wrong.   BUT, before I came to that conclusion, I was informed by the chat agent, that the wish lists are only online for a year.   Well, Babies R Us, that's just not cool.   Sometimes, it takes longer.  As of right now, I'm still within my year, since creating it, but that sucks that it might not be there in a month.  I won't remember all of the things I added to my list, if I have to start over.    In a perfect world, women would get pregnant, carry for their 9 months and then out comes a beautiful little being.  Such is not always the case. 

This bummed me out.

Fertile Myrtle

At least I hope so.   I've been using the Ovia fertility tracker and it seems to be a cool app to have.
I used Fertility Friend before, which I still like, but have found that the Ovia one is a little more in depth with tracking and reporting.
According to the data, that I've been religiously inputting, it's telling me that this is my fertile week.
So we're on schedule with the Baby Dancing.   Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.
Last night, we should have and we didn't, but hopefully we're still in the running to make a baby!
I would love for this to be "our month".    I'm also still taking Pregnitude every day.  Praying that it helps me to ovulate on my own.
Today's CM was much more on the egg white side, so we better get down to business tonight.
My app tells me "Have sex today. You are fertile".   That's straightforward enough for me!  HAHAH

Which apps do you use?    Are you using 2 at once?  I was for a time but then got a new smartphone and was too lazy to download the other one.

So, here's to Ovia and me, making a baby!   (that sounds a lot like a jingle)  Maybe they'll pay me for that?

The would-be Dads

When we first lost our pregnancy, our families and friends were very supportive.   It wasn't unusual for someone to reach out to me and ask how I was doing.   This was definitely more so, after my EP rupture and surgery.  It wasn't about losing a baby, after that, to most people.  It was more about how dangerous that experience was for me and how things could have gone.   *knock on wood*

But, I never really felt like Jeff was included in all of that support.    He suffered a great loss too.

I may have had the physical scars, but we BOTH had the emotional ones.  I didn't feel like others felt that.     It was hard for BOTH of us.      I don't think he even thought about it until I mentioned it one night; the fact that so few people acknowledged his hurt.  One of my Instagram gals, who'd gone through a loss as well, posted a beautiful poem about that exact topic.     

Jeff and I went through and continue to go through this TOGETHER.   We cry together and talk about it.   It's not "over" for us.   We didn't just "let it go", as some people have suggested.

Sometimes, he is is the one who brings it up and he has no problem showing his emotions.  There are times that he cries, at the simplest mention of it.   

We're both eager to conceive again and be the parents that we've dreamed of being.   We're not "ok", yet.    It hasn't even been a year, but who's to say that it will be easier then?
I just wanted to share this poem today, in case you are here and you have a husband/boyfriend/partner who, with you, has also experienced the loss.

Finally! ...oh, wait.... never mind.

Trying to have a baby for so many years, unsuccessfully, was painful enough.   I hated the feeling of never knowing what it was like.   Never getting pregnant, never having a child.   It was and still is, such a void.   Every word you can find to describe the disappointment and the sadness, is there.   Over ten years of it.

  Why so long?  Mostly because I was stubborn and convicted in my own beliefs and theories.    BUT, the feelings are much different and hit so much harder, now that I actually DID conceive and my pregnancy wasn't viable.    I waited all that time and it happened!   But, in a matter of days, I went from the happiest moment in my life, to the saddest.   I can honestly say that trying to conceive with no success, wasn't as hard as it has been to finally have that joy and lose it all in an instant.   It's like every emotion I felt, when I couldn't get pregnant, is now amplified, and there are even more emotions mixed in.  Loss, grief, failure.

I have to believe it will happen again.    I got to that point, last time, right before I got my BFP.

I believed it could happen and I put it out there, to will it to happen.  And it did!   I was so sure.

So why can't I find that optimism again?    It takes time; this I know.   It's all part of the plan(s) that God has laid out for me, so I have to be patient and trust in Him. 

Somedays, it's just really difficult.  

Friday Funnies

Because, if we don't laugh, we'll cry.    And sometimes you just gotta smile!

Happy Friday to you.     I'm on Cycle Day 3 now and actually excited to see a real period happening.
As soon as it stops, I'll be counting down the days to start testing for LH and then baby dancing like it's my job.

Strange emotions

How can it be that I'm the same person who was  always wishing for NO period, and now I'm glad that I seem to have finally gotten one?    This TTC thing is really full of MIXED emotions, huh?

I'm hoping that it's the Pregnitude working and my cycles are getting on track.  I didn't get a period in July, so hopefully this one is a regular cycle and I can start charting and using the OPKs. 

I haven't felt any other side effects since starting the Pregnitude, just that I haven't been as hungry.

I don't think there's been any weight loss yet, although I hear that some women have lost a few pounds.  That will surely be a perk.

I'm glad I have somewhere to start now.  I'm hopeful.

Cheers to Cycle Day 1!        Here's hoping! 

Our Own Little World

Even though we tried to have a baby, for years, I wasn't always vocal about it.   It was only in 2014, when I started Clomid, that I really put my story out there. Even though I wasn't ready to share it among the people I knew, I joined a couple of TTC communities on various websites.  There were so many stories out there, I was truly amazed at some of them.    I learned SO much from those communities and still continue to.    I had no idea what a "rainbow baby" was and then when I found out, I was so sad for those women who were waiting for theirs.  Little did I know, I'd be one of them someday.

For a time, I was just another woman who was struggling with infertility.  I joined the masses of others who were in the same situation.    Then, after my ectopic and resulting pregnancy loss, I joined another rank.  Sadly.     I'm so glad that these boards, forums, communities and websites are in existence.  I don't know many women, in my life, that are able to relate to some of the things I've been going through and/or am still going through.   The women I've "met" in some of these online communities, may seem like perfect strangers to an outsider, but to me they're not.   I'm fortunate in that I can find the support and encouragement I need, whenever I need it.  It helps to hear advice and similar stories, and know that I'm not alone.    It sucks that anyone has to share in this experience or that any woman has gone through these stages, but it sure helps to have someone to talk to or help us through it.
Even, in the cases where women aren't having fertility issues and just want to be a part of a TTC community, it's nice to be able to.    Some women just aren't ready to announce their pregnancies and still want to share the early weeks/months with someone who can relate or appreciate the emotions, so it's then that they can turn to an online community and do that.  
I'm grateful for the support and the fellowship I've been blessed with.  Truly.
I just hope and pray for a happy ending for all of us.

This too shall pass

August.  I knew it would be a difficult month.  But it wasn't supposed to be.   When I learned my due date was this month, I wasn't thinking about how hot the summer months would be or how uncomfortable I might get.   I couldn't wait to sport a big belly and sundresses and just wobble around.  Back in December when I found out I was pregnant, it seemed that August was so far away.  Nine whole months to wait before I could hold my little baby.   I was even more excited that he/she might share a birthday with my Mom.   August 26th.    I was due around that week and immediately thought how "cool would that be!?"

But now, I have to try to trudge through August.   Trust me, every month since losing my pregnancy, has been hell.   EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.   But I'm finding that I'm becoming bitter and angrier as this month has come upon us.   Things should have been different.    We should have our baby's room all decorated and ready to welcome baby home.   It would probably be in Daddy's preferred 'Jungle Theme'.   He suggested it, early on, because he thought it would match the color that we'd already painted the room.    I wasn't so fond of the idea at first, but the thought of him having any interest or input with it, really tickled me.  So, I was picking out Safari and Jungle prints for decor and bedding.

I was somewhat there already, with not wanting to hear about pregnancy announcements or gender reveal parties, but I've started unfollowing friends on Facebook because the envy in me is just ridiculous.   Everyone deserves to have that joy in their lives - and I wish them all well, but it's just hard for me to see or hear right now.    I figured that the best way to protect myself from it, was to make sure it's not so easily visible.      It just sucks.   I can't think of any other way to describe it.
The pain, the loss, the plans.   I hate it.  Plain and simple.

After today, I'll clear the data from my Fertility Friend app, so that it stops tracking my "pregnancy".
We've already started over with trying to conceive,  but I sort of kept this as a reminder that it did happen for us.
I just have to trust that it will again.

Truth about OPKs

I'll be totally honest in telling you that I have gained a significant amount of knowledge, while trying to have a baby.   Most of it has come only in the last year, when I really started to track cycles, test with ovulation predictors and keep track of other signs and symptoms.

One of the things I learned about the OPKs?   A positive result doesn't mean you WILL ovulate.
I thought it meant that you were or you would.    Evidently, our bodies have a surge of LH (the luteinizing hormone) a day or two before we SHOULD ovulate.  Some women will get a positive and not ovulate at all.   How did I not know that?
So, the OPK is just sort of a guide, as to when we should expect to ovulate.  I mean it's still a great tool to have!   Because I know, when I got my positives last year, I always acted on it!    I bet that's when I got pregnant.

So far so good?

I'm on my 8th day of Pregnitude, and so far, I haven't really felt any side effects from it.  I've been taking it as directed, in an 8 oz glass of water, twice daily.    The only thing that I can report is that I have noticed my hunger alarm has been a little quieter since I started taking it.   Sometimes, I wonder if it's all in my head, but either way, it's a good thing.   I think maybe this stuff really does work in the way that it helps with the insulin resistance, balancing, etc.    I read that some women have lost weight on Pregnitude, so I'd love to be one of those stories.   Although, I'd rather be the success story of getting pregnant!

I'm still taking my prenatal every day, with the Pregnitude.  I've also been researching various other vitamins, because I want to make sure that I'm getting everything I need, out of this prenatal.   I have to take my age into consideration, when looking for a good vitamin, because I know there are some out there that are touted to be helpful with egg quality too.

I'm so glad that I joined a Facebook group with others who have tried this as well.   It's nice to be able to talk to and seek support from women who are on the same journey.  So little is discussed when it comes to PCOS, so I'm glad to be among others who can truly understand the struggle.

A pregnitude attitude

In the beginning, after our loss, I was so scared to start trying again.  Not because I'd end up pregnant; because I was afraid we'd end up with another ectopic or just another loss in general.
I still don't ovulate on my own, so I've been looking to find ways to bring about regular cycles and therefore, ovulation, NATURALLY.  
Just a few weeks ago, it seemed that PregPrep took the internet by storm.   It sounded like a real deal and I was eager to find out more! (even my husband mentioned it to me) He'd seen it on the news or something.
So,  I did some research and it really does sound like a great product.  Lots of success stories.
BUT, after I read their documented studies, on the website, it seemed that it just might not be the perfect solution for ME.   A lot of what I read, implied that PregPrep was successful, when used in conjunction with another medication.  Like Clomid, and  I wasn't willing to delve into that again.
So, I kept looking......
This is when I found Pregnitude.    I don't want to take any meds or start fertility treatments, so I did my research and I'm feeling good about this.   (if you don't want to click the link and open a window - this is the gist on it.

Pregnitude is a reproductive support dietary supplement for women that helps support ovulatory function, menstrual cyclicity and quality of eggs.  Pregnitude contains 2000mg of myo-inositol, as well as 200mcg of folic acid. 

So it's basically like taking a vitamin.

I'm hoping that it makes a world of difference!    After my ectopic surgery, I had normal periods in February, March and April.   We started being active again in May, and I skipped that month's period.  June was a little sketchy and I finally got it, in the middle of the month.  Now, we're at July, and no sign of a period.  Yet.

Today is only my 3rd day of Pregnitude  - But I plan to post updates on the goings on with it.

If you have a success story with it, or even some negative feedback, let me know.  I'm curious to hear from others who have tried it.

Not so much the beginning...but.....

I created this blog, last year, right after I started Clomid.  I think I had high hopes and felt that my time was coming.     Even though, I had been trying to have a baby for years, it was only last year that I publicly talked about my struggles and journey.  When I finally, did, it actually felt good to get it out there, in the open.   I met so many other women who were in the same situation of trying unsuccessfully and going through all of those crazy emotions that came with it.

But, then things happened so fast, I never got back here to update or keep a journal.

I'm firing it back up today - and I'm going to make a promise to myself, that I'll post regularly.

Please follow along if you wish - and share your thoughts and experiences too!
If you want to be notified of daily posts, just subscribe by email and you'll be automatically notified when a new post is in.  And if you're here by way of the TTC community, good luck and baby dust to you!