Trying to have a baby for so many years, unsuccessfully, was painful enough. I hated the feeling of never knowing what it was like. Never getting pregnant, never having a child. It was and still is, such a void. Every word you can find to describe the disappointment and the sadness, is there. Over ten years of it.
Why so long? Mostly because I was stubborn and convicted in my own beliefs and theories. BUT, the feelings are much different and hit so much harder, now that I actually DID conceive and my pregnancy wasn't viable. I waited all that time and it happened! But, in a matter of days, I went from the happiest moment in my life, to the saddest. I can honestly say that trying to conceive with no success, wasn't as hard as it has been to finally have that joy and lose it all in an instant. It's like every emotion I felt, when I couldn't get pregnant, is now amplified, and there are even more emotions mixed in. Loss, grief, failure.
I have to believe it will happen again. I got to that point, last time, right before I got my BFP.
I believed it could happen and I put it out there, to will it to happen. And it did! I was so sure.
So why can't I find that optimism again? It takes time; this I know. It's all part of the plan(s) that God has laid out for me, so I have to be patient and trust in Him.
Somedays, it's just really difficult.
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