when it hits

I would have been due last month.  Somewhere in the 3rd week of August. When I first learned that, it seemed SO far away.   Nine months was going to seem like forever.   And then, without realizing it, August was here! 

This past weekend was kind of an emotional one.   I don't really know what brought it on, but I had a lot of tears and thoughts.     I was sitting in the living room, on Saturday morning, having my coffee, and I just looked around the room.     I looked to far wall, by the closet, and kept thinking "Wow, it's already September.  We would have had a pack 'n play or a bassinet sitting right there, right now, with an infant in it.    I never mentioned it to my husband.   Then, while we were at breakfast, he brought up that he'd mentioned to his mother,  "Just think.  I'd be a father right now".    

I don't know if it's good that we do this; still talk about it now and again.  Or, if it's considered "dwelling".     It's not constant, but when the thoughts pop up, we talk about it.   I can't just forget that I was pregnant and lost our child.   I can't just forget that moment that I took the test and saw the 2 lines.   I can't just forget when we told everyone on Christmas morning, and I know I'll never, ever forget their reactions. 

I'm even staying positive that we'll get pregnant again - but I don't think I'll forget the first.  Actually, I know I won't. 

So many emotions with pregnancy loss.   It really does suck.